Oh January...

It's easy to say
"It'll happen some day."
When you know it won't happen to you.


All the good one's are gone
So you don't know what to do.
You know something's wrong 
When even the losers won't have you.


It's so easy to say 
"It'll happen some day."
When you know it won't happen to you.


You go through your mantra
"You're pretty. You're smart."
Even though you can never compare.


It's hard to be hopeful
When you're fresh out of hope.
And no one has any to spare.


It's so easy to say
"It'll happen some day."
But you know it won't happen to you.

The Poem

When I was younger, in middle school and early high school, I was desperately shy. To anyone that knows me now, that idea seems impossible. But to this day, I get a little scared before calling someone on the phone. 

When I was even younger, four and five years old, I used to ask my dad to come next door with me, to ask the neighbor kids if they wanted to play. 

What could possibly make such a little girl afraid of rejection at such an early age? But that's what I was afraid of. Afraid of hearing "No. I don't want you. There's someone more fun and interesting to play with." I don't know if they ever said, "No." But I do know that that fear is still inside of me. 

So, come back to middle school. Those awkward years that make everyone miserable. I lived on the edges of social groups, but really never got close to anyone. Except for one girl, who inexplicably stopped being my friend in 8th grade. Rejection. No. I don't want you.

I was a part of a church group and while I never made real friends, I got along alright. And I had God there with me. He wouldn't reject me. And that's when I first came across this poem. From what I've seen, the author is unknown and it's probably one you've seen many times before. 

Something made me think about it today, so I went to re-read it. Only to find that it still applies. It's long, so apologies. And sorry for the somber tone. Don't really know what's gotten into me this evening.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Mask I Wear

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks-
masks that I'm afraid to take off
and none of them are me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me
but don't be fooled, for God's sake, don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure
That all is sunny and unruffled with me
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name
and coolness my game,
that the water's calm
and I'm in command,
and that I need no one.
But don't believe me. Please!

My surface may be smooth but my surface is my mask,
My ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.
Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.
But I hide this.
I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weaknesses
and fear exposing them.
That's why I frantically create my masks
to hide behind.
They're nonchalant, sophisticated facades
to help me pretend,
To shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only salvation, and I know it.

That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
and if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls

I dislike hiding, honestly
I dislike the superficial game I'm playing,
the superficial phony game.
I'd really like to be genuine and me.
But I need your help, your hand to hold
Even though my masks would tell you otherwise
That glance from you is the only thing that assures me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.

But I don't tell you this.
I don't dare.
I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh
and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing,
that I'm just no good
and you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a facade of assurance without,
And a trembling child within.
So begins the parade of masks,

The glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's nothing
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying
Please listen carefully and try to hear
what I'm not saying
Hear what I'd like to say
but what I can not say.

It will not be easy for you,
long felt inadequacies make my defenses strong.
The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
Despite what books say of men, I am irrational;
I fight against the very thing that I cry out for.
you wonder who I am
you shouldn't
for I am everyman
and everywoman
who wears a mask.
Don't be fooled by me.
At least not by the mask I wear.

Are we there yet?

January 4th, 2011


The walls are closing in on me. I can't even hear the others anymore. So dark... 


Aaaand scene!


So, I'm already tired of work. Not a good start to the new year. But, I think I'm doing a little better at the small things. Maybe picking my meals a little better. Salads instead of burgers and pizza. 


I actually weighed myself the night of my first post and found that I'm down to 346 lbs. which was just mind-boggling. I'm sure that seems like not a big deal to most people, but that just made my new year.


I've got an appointment for a consultation with a bariatric surgeon and a dietician on the 12th, so more on that next week. 


In other news, I got my first wave of new clothes from christmas money. There's nothing like new clothes that look good on you. They definitely help keep my sunny disposition up. And it doesn't hurt that pants that would've been tight on my months ago are now able to be taken off without unbuttoning them.


All in all, we're off the a start. Not a great one. Not a bad one. Just a start.


And that's what counts.

The Beginning

January 2nd, 2011


A new year and another bunch of resolutions that I swear I'm going to keep this time. I don't know of this year will be different. But I hope they will be. 


Here's my list of to-do's.


- Look into converting to Judaism 
- Start on the path of losing all my weight Goal? 175 lbs.
- Go back to college
- Learn guitar and start writing one song (be it good or bad) everyday


Boy, do I love setting myself easy challenges!


But there's always a beginning when everything looks impossible.


So here I am.


My name is Laura.
I'm a 25 year old, ex-Episcopalian, looking for faith, hope and contentment.
I weigh more than a bathroom scale can read. (Last I checked 365)
I need to lose 200 lbs. and cure from my type 2 diabetes.
I have a 52' bust, a 46' waist and 57' hips.
I'm single and not happy about it.


This is who I am, but not who I'll be.


Happy New Year, Laura. 


We got this.