This happens sometimes, where I'm just wide awake. Thankfully the stalking insomnia decided to strike on a Saturday night when I had nothing planned for Sunday morning. Most of the time it has really unfortunate timing.
Tonight's insomnia beast was fueled by late night caffeine and afternoon naps and is snacking on insecurities and fear. Which are like the ultimate comfort food to IB.
There's so much on my mind. And there's so much that I feel, that I've tried to relate to the people who keep me sane and calm. But it's just too much, right now.
I was supposed to have bariatric surgery. It wasn't a secret, really, although I didn't say anything on Facebook or Twitter or whatever social media site you prefer. And there were some people that I didn't want to know.
That surgery was cancelled. It was cancelled for a very good reason, that I don't care to go into for the millionth time. People tell me that they're sorry it was cancelled, thinking that I'd be angry about it. And I was upset when I found out. So upset that I needed to leave work and take a half day to gather myself. And I came to the realization that I wasn't angry about the cancellation. I could have had some serious and possible life-threatening results, if they'd gone through with it.
But. I am angry at something.
And what I'm angry about is the fact that from the moment they cancelled my surgery, they basically abandoned me. No calls to tell me what to do next. Nothing. And when I finally got a call back after me having to call two or three people, I was basically told that they "recommended" that I start over.
From the beginning.
The beginning that I started in January.
That has been six months of waiting and they want me to do it again? Absolutely not.
So, when I called this journal "Journey", I had no idea how accurate that title would be.
Here I am, six months wiser and six months thinner. And I've made a few more decisions for myself.
Decision 1:
I'm losing this weight on my own. It will be slower. It will be harder. But dammit, I WILL be proud of myself. After everything collapsed, I realized. I was ashamed to be having the surgery. I wasn't looking forward to having to tell people that THAT is how I'd done it. It was a means to an end, but I felt a little bit like it was a cheat and a failure. So, I'm going to stop cheating myself out of the life I keep saying I want to have and I refuse to let myself fail again. I want to go fail at a new challenge.
Which brings me to....
Decision 2: I'm auditioning for Season Two of The Voice. And every time someone finds out, they say "I didn't even know you could sing!" and that makes me sad. Because singing and music, they're my soul. And I just... can't keep letting this fear I have keep me hiding. I ended up watching the blind auditions from the first season (another part of the reason I'm still awake), and it showed me one thing. You can be a good singer and not make it. And when I sing, I know my voice is good. But I don't know if it's unique or note-worthy and then the fear sets in.
I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being stuck in this awful cycle that my life is in. And I'm afraid of failing at the only thing that has ever made me feel worthwhile. Because I was nothing before I started singing in 7th grade. I was invisible to anyone worth anything and easy prey for the people who needed to tear people down to make them bigger. And without singing, I'm only mediocre. I have never excelled in anything and I don't honestly know what I'll do with my life if I can't sing to people every night.
Without music, my future is a barren wasteland of office jobs that make me lose faith in humanity and then a giant void of nothingness.
And there is NOTHING scarier to me than nothingness.
I need to live, but I don't know how. I need strength and don't know where to find it. And I need hope, even though that hope could break at any moment.
There's a Smiths song that seems to fit right now, so that's how I'll sign off. So until the next time I can't sleep.
God, please give me strength to do my best and the serenity to take whatever comes.
"Good times for a change.
See the luck I've had could make a good man turn bad.
But Please, please, please,
Let me get what I want.
Lord knows, it would be the first time."
