More

Is there anything wrong with wanting more from the relationships in my life? It always feels like I'm the one that has to adjust to the way things are. I'm the one that has to lower my expectations. Well I'm sorry, but no. I deserve more. I deserve better than this. And I'm tired of excuses. Of "well this is how I am." Because you know? This is how I am. I am giving and loving and I will do anything for you. But I'm done with giving and giving and bending to the breaking point only to be pushed aside until it's convenient for other people. It's all in or nothing now. I can't be waiting around alone until people carve out a little time to pretend to care about me. 

I'm so tired of needing more from people who have no interest in giving me anything. I'm tired of talking and not being heard. Of people saying they understand me as they talk over that I'm trying to say. I'm tired of being made to feel guilty for asking for more. Of being made to feel like I'm being unreasonable and even hurtful. I feel all alone and I'm made to feel like asking to be able to reach out is a bother. Well, pretty soon, I won't ask to reach out anymore. I'll go away. And someday I'll find people who want to hear me. Someday I'll find people who actually like who I am. Who won't obsessively point out my flaws, like I don't know what they are already.

Most of all, I'll find people who'll care enough to reach out and give without me having to beg for it. No one should have to beg for love and for acceptance.

Recently, I was told an exercise to stop focusing on focusing on little things that aren't important. I was told to think about a time when I felt truly loved. And there I sat in a room full of people who could pull up a memory and remember that.

Even now, I can't think of a single memory.

I'm tired of hurting myself even more by trying to bend when there's no point.

Enough.