No one checks this blog, so I guess that makes this my safe place. There are things running around in my head that I can't put out on facebook or twitter or tumblr. It feels selfish to put the burden of them on the people who would read my words. Here, it would only be some random stranger. One who won't give two damns what I have to say.

I find myself wanting to die. The thought "What's the point?" comes into my head every day. I just don't see a reason really. Wake up alone, go to a job that any moron could do, eat lunch alone, come home, walk my dog, eat something. Get on the internet. Go to bed alone. What's the point in that life? I'm never going to be a singer. Sure I can talk about it. I can sing in community theater shows. But I'll never be good enough to make a living off of that. No one wants to be around me. People care, sure. But there are always other things more important for them to worry about. I'm ugly, lazy and worthless. I look in the mirror and just want to rip all the ugliness off. But I know even that won't help. Because I'd still be me. Annoying, needy, depressing me. I know I come off as desperate. It's because I am. I just want to feel wanted. I want to feel worth while. But I know that's selfish. And I know that I can't rely on other people to make me feel worth while. But I don't know how to feel it any other way. So I just want to go away. I don't want to live like this for the rest of my life, but I'm so stupid and useless that I can't get out of this fucking rut I've dug myself down into. But I'm not going to kill myself. Not because of any noble reason. Or because I "know it'll get better", because I just don't believe that anymore. I won't kill myself because I am more scared of dying than I am of being alone.

So here I am. No one will know outside my door, but I'm not okay. No one will know how badly I want to disappear and start over. No one will know, because knowing would hurt them.

So, I'll tell you, Uncaring No one. I hate being alone. I loathe myself and want to rip my body to shreds. And I want to disappear.

Maybe a car will hit me tomorrow.

L